Dads: how to support your daughter through puberty

A daughter's development from a girl into a young woman can be a daunting prospect for a dad. Aside from your own mixed emotions about your little girl growing up, there are all the emotional and physical issues that your daughter will be grappling with.

Girl on dad's shoulder

How should you support her? What will she need, and want, from you? Your role will be influenced by your family situation, whether you are:

in a family unit of mum, dad and child/children,
a single parent family where you are the main carer, due to separation/divorce or bereavement, or
a father who is separated from your daughter.

This month's feature provides guidance on the physical changes of puberty, what you need to know, and how you can help your daughter in a practical way. Some of the details below may feel like "too much information!" but you have an important role to play in supporting your daughter. This includes understanding the changes that she will experience and being prepared for them.

Sharing the responsibility

In a traditional family unit, it would be natural to assume that the mother would do everything necessary to ensure her daughter knows what she needs to know, and gets her everything she needs to have. Our experience at PoGo is that many mums are not comfortable discussing periods or puberty with their daughters. This is often due to them having had poor preparation themselves when they grew up, and the whole subject matter being one of complete embarrassment. It would be worthwhile having a conversation with your wife/partner about how you will both ensure your daughter gets the help she needs.

Man pleading to stop Where you are the primary carer, seeking advice from another woman who you and your daughter trust can be a great support if you feel unconfident tackling this yourself. Your daughter may feel more comfortable talking to another woman, such as an aunt, but you need to be involved too because, at any moment, you may be the only one she can turn to for help.

If your daughter lives with her mum and comes to stay with you regularly, you can ease her transition into puberty by making sure you are informed and sensitive to what she may be going through. She will appreciate any efforts you make to support her needs in a practical way, especially having products to hand.

Regardless of your family siutation, or how difficult you may find it to broach this subject, you have a responsibility to ensure your daughter learns what to expect in the coming years – especially concerning her periods, because it can be very distressing for a girl to start her periods and not know what's happening to her.

The role of school

Dad and daughter talking Some of your daughter's sex education will be provided at school as part of the National Curriculum. Currently, this is taught in Year 6 and some schools introduce the topic in Year 5. However, what is taught in the classroom is outside of your control and is very much dependent on the experience and confidence of the person delivering the subject.

Very little time is given to sex education in schools, so you will need to supplement that information with good conversations and support at home.

The changes experienced by girls in puberty

Here's a quick summary of the changes your daughter will experience.

A growth spurt – growing taller, wider and becoming more curvy
Breast development
Weight gain
Growth of underarm and pubic hair
Hair on arms and legs begins to get darker/thicker
Increased sweating
Body odour
Greasier skin
Stretch marks may appear on her skin because she is growing so fast
Moods and emotions become more erratic and irrational
A white sticky discharge is produced before and between her periods
Starting her periods
Facially, she begins to look more mature and adult-like
Acne
Sexual feelings develop

It's quite a list!

The timing and signs of puberty

Generally, the first visible sign of the onset of puberty will be the beginning of breast buds, when your daughter's breasts start to develop. However, there is no set order in which these changes will happen.

Every girl will experience puberty in a way that is unique to her. Some girls will start to develop at around eight years of age, however, many will not start until they are 10, 11 or 12, and some girls won't experience any changes till they are 13 or 14, occasionally later.

Most of the changes will generally happen over a 3-4 year period.

Breast development

It will take, on average, four years for your daughter's breasts to develop (though some slight growth can still be onging into her late teens/early 20s). At some point you will need to think about getting her a bra. There is a whole section on breasts in the girls' pages All about puberty, and a feature on buying her a bra that you may find useful.

Periods

Ovaries Periods present one of the biggest changes that girls have to cope with. You can get more detailed information in the section All about periods, but the main points are listed below.

The average age at which girls start their periods is 12, but they can start from age 8, and may be delayed as late as 18 years of age.
Periods usually start one-to-two years after breast buds develop.
They last anywhere from 2-7 days, but the average duration is 5 days.
Periods will repeat on average every 28 days (known as "the menstrual cycle" or "monthly cycle") but can repeat anywhere from 21 to 35 days.
When periods first start, they can be sporadic and unpredictable, and it can take up to two years for periods to settle down into a reliable pattern or cycle.
Girls should use sanitary pads and not tampons until their periods have settled into a reliable cycle.
If a girl is really sporty, she may insist on using tampons, so make sure she knows about Toxic Shock Syndrome, which is a rare but serious illness that is associated with the use of tampons. Please familiarise yourself with the causes, symptoms and preventative measures detailed.
If a girl uses tampons, organic ones are preferable.
There is a confusing array of sanitary pads available. The three types your daughter will need are:
1. pantyliners, for light-flow days
2. regular pads for daytime, during the main part of her period
3. night pads
Sanitary products are rated according to their absorbency, which is listed on the side of each packet of products.
Keep a selection of each type of pad in a box in your bathroom, plus some disposal bags (sold in boxes next to pads in the supermarket) and make sure your daughter knows where to find them when she needs them.
Suggested quantities to start with – 2 packets of pantyliners, 2 packets of regular pads (with "wings"), 1 packet of night pads. Afterwards, your daughter should try different brands to find the ones she prefers.
Explain that used pads must be wrapped in toilet paper or in a disposal bag and put in the bin – not down the toilet because they will cause blockages. It will help if you can provide a covered bin for her to use.
Make sure your daughter always has a little purse of sanitary products with her at school, and always a supply of products before leaving for holiday.

Discharge

In the months before a girl's first period, she will start getting some discharge, which is a sticky/watery fluid often noticeable in her knickers when the laundry is being done. This is the body's final preparation for her periods and is a good tell-tale sign that you need to buy some products and ensure your daughter is aware of its significance. She needs to know that this is a normal part of puberty. Once her periods start, this discharge will continue to occur between periods.

The pain of periods

Hot water bottle Period pain, or cramps, will be a regular feature in the days leading up to, and in the first couple of days of, her periods.

This pain can be dealt with easily as follows:

a covered hot water bottle that she can put on her tummy
a lavender pack, heated in the microwave – again for the tummy
a warm bath (see Hygiene below for advice on toiletries)
an appropriate dose of paracetamol – make sure you always have some in the cupboard
exercise! Actually this is a fantastic way to get the endorphins going to counteract the discomfort of period pain. Go rollerskating, kick a ball around, or go for a cycle together.

Hygiene

That sweet daughter of yours is going to become less sweet-smelling, that's for sure! With the onset of puberty, her hormones will be producing greasier skin and hair, sweat and body odour. If she is not already in the habit of showering every day, then you need to encourage her to start, and especially after she does lots of exercise.

Whilst a good lather of soap is vital for dealing with the bacteria that cause body odour under the arms, the vagina requires more careful attention. It has a finely balanced pH level that can be easily upset through the use of highly perfumed shower gels and soaps. You need to encourage your daughter to wash her private parts with warm water only as harsh toiletries can cause irritation, inflammation and infection. If she is adamant about washing with soap or gel, find an organic or natural brand that is as gentle as possible.

Weight gain

Owing to relentless media influence, some girls are resistant to any hint of weight gain. This is a worrying issue. Weight gain is important to a girl's overall health and is a fundamental part of becoming a woman. You need to stay alert to how your daughter is eating and her attitude towards her figure as she matures. Encourage her to eat sensibly and healthily without making it an issue. If she is pressured to eat, it will become a war of wills on both sides, which helps no one. Reassure her that she is attractive and lovable as she is. If you are ever worried about her eating, don't hesitate to seek advice.

When should you seek medical advice?

Teenage girl with doctor Your daughter's progression through puberty is likely to be relatively free of medical problems. However, a medical check-up is necessary if your daughter:

starts her periods before eight years of age
hasn't had her first period by the age of 16
frequently has very heavy bleeding
has period pains that are so debilitating they keep her off school
gets a smelly, itchy discharge (possibly a yeast infection called "Thrush")
needs to wee frequently and it burns (probably a urine infection).

Remember to book an appointment with a female doctor so your daughter feels more at ease.

Get your daughter to a hospital immediately if she uses tampons and presents any of the symptoms associated with Toxic Shock Syndrome.

Where to get further help

PoGo has created the PoGo Pack™, which is an all-in-one period kit containing everything your daughter needs to handle her periods. It is the perfect way to introduce the subject to your daughter. We also sell Ultra Teen sanitary pads that are specially made for girls.

As well as providing lots of information for your daughter on the Girls' Pages, PoGo's website will also be a useful resource for you, including our recommendations for the best books about periods and puberty, which would be worthwhile both you and your daughter reading.

Elsewhere, for professional advice, speak to the School Nurse or Pastoral Care Manager at your daughter's school, your doctor or the Practice Nurse. Online parenting forums can be helpful for general advice and support.

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Next month's feature from PoGo: Good nutrition for girls for healthy development.

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