Talking with girls about puberty (Part 1)

When and how to talk with their daughter about puberty has long been a source of worry for many parents.

This month, in part one of a two-part feature, we encourage you to consider how your own experiences influence your attitudes, the importance of constant reassurance, when to talk with your daughter about puberty and what to expect of her school.

In part two next month, we'll give guidance on what to say, practical things to show your daughter, the common concerns that girls have, and when you may need to seek a medical opinion.

A better approach

Historically, periods and "women's issues" have been taboo in many societies, dealt with in secrecy and the subject of shame and stigma. As a consequence, women have generally been raised to think of their periods with embarrassment, in spite of them being a natural part of the life cycle.

It is understandable, therefore, that many parents lack confidence and would welcome a little guidance on how to broach these subjects with their growing girl.

As your daughter reaches puberty, she will begin to change rapidly, both physically and emotionally. Not only will these changes be challenging for her, but for all of those around her. She may experience a mix of excitement and confusion and will be looking to you for help on how to navigate these changes, and she'll need advice on handling the arrival of her first period.

Whilst the responsibility of this normally rests with a girl's mother, many dads are now responsible for their daughter's wellbeing, and we've written a further feature specially for them.

Your own experience

What was your own experience like when your periods started? Did you know what was happening to you? Had anyone talked to you about periods before they started? What sort of picture did they paint? Were you scared, or excited by the idea of getting periods, developing breasts and growing up?

Your experience is likely to have a major influence on how comfortable you feel about discussing matters with your daughter.

In the years that we've been running PoGo, we've met few women who could say that their introduction to puberty was a positive one. Those who were fortunate to have lots of information and advice clearly won't be needing this article!

If you were one of the many, brought up in an environment of embarrassment or ignorance about periods and puberty, this is your opportunity to help your daughter to be better prepared. We're sure you'll want her to have a positive experience that will give her an understanding and confidence about her body as she grows into a young woman.

Preparation

Here are some tips to help you to overcome any discomfort or uncertainty you may have about talking with your daughter.

• You don't have to be an expert, just because you're the adult. Many women don't know in detail how their bodies work because no one ever taught them. Buy a few books and read them yourself so that you have a good grasp of the facts. This will give you a better understanding, enabling you to share the information in a more positive way with your daughter.
• There are some good sources of information on the internet. These might also give you more ideas on how to explain things.
• If you're not in the habit of talking about these issues with other women, give it a go, even with your other half. Although it may be awkward at first, the more you talk and hear yourself talking about these subjects, the more at ease you are likely to feel when you're ready to talk with your daughter.
• Remember that it's okay to feel nervous. If you let your daughter know you find it difficult to talk about these things because you didn't have such a great experience, it will be something of a leveler and is likely to make the whole process more relaxed.



• Use a little humour. Sharing some of the funny things you were told or which happened to you, and being able to laugh about them, will help to ease the situation for both of you. It will help your daughter to appreciate that you had similar experiences, with similar worries.
• Always tell your daughter the facts, no matter how unconfortable you may feel. If you don't know the answer to one of her questions, say so, and say you will find out because you're curious yourself. She will appreciate it.
• Anticipate some of her questions – the sort of questions you may have had yourself at her age – and think about how you would answer them.

Give her lots of reassurance

Your daughter may or may not welcome the mixed emotions and physical changes she will experience during puberty. She may be excited at the prospect of developing breasts, but horrified by the idea of periods. She needs ongoing reassurance from you that these changes are a natural part of growing up and will be experienced by all her friends at some point – which could be at any age from 8 to 16.

Both she and her friends will experience different things at different ages, so while one girl may have started her periods and not begun to develop breasts yet, another may be developing breasts and not have her periods. This is a vitally important point to explain.

Puberty can be particularly tough on girls who develop early. If none of the other girls around her show similar signs, she may be worried that she is abnormal and will feel upset and insecure. It's important to explain that what she is going through is normal, and that whatever is happening to her is okay and what's right for her body at that time. It can't be changed or stopped, but you can help her to accept these things which are outside of her control. What she can control, however, is how she looks after herself from this point on, and this is another topic which you can talk about.

Whilst it might be expected that girls would talk to each other about these changes, it is not necessarily the case. Your daughter may start to become very self-conscious about her body from around the age of nine, and without an explanation from you, she will not understand and may worry unnecessarily.

Give your daughter positive messages regularly about growing up and how she is changing.

When her periods start, your first response should be, "Congratulations! You're becoming a young woman."

Your daughter may be feeling apprehensive about what this means for her, and may be scared – or even appalled – by the thought that she will bleed every month for years to come, so a positive reaction from you will reinforce the message that this is a good thing and nothing to be unhappy about.

Some parents like to mark the arrival of their daughter's first period in some way, such as taking her out for a special meal to celebrate this new phase of her journey into womanhood. Let your daughter take the lead on whether she would like to celebrate. You might regard her first period as a milestone, but she may not be quite so enthusiastic!

When to begin

Children are sponges for information and the best time to start talking is when they are small. Ideally, educating them about their bodies and the changes they will experience should be an unfolding process from an early age. Done gradually, children absorb and process the information at their own pace and, if the information has been shared in an open way, they accept with ease what they have learned.

Small children often have a very matter-of-fact attitude to things. However, once girls start noticing the changes in their bodies, they tend to become much more self-conscious and less reluctant to talk, so the more information you can share before this stage the better.

If your daughter has already started showing signs of developing, it would be wise to act quickly.

Although the average age at which girls start their periods is 12, anecdotally we know that many girls are now starting their periods at age eight and nine. According to the government's latest research (now several years old) one in eight girls in the UK start their periods at primary school and 10 per cent of girls have had no information at all before their periods start. There are roughly 300,000 girls born in the UK every year, which means that around 30,000 girls have no idea what periods are when they start.

It is therefore vitally important that your daughter learns about menstruation before her periods start because the sight of blood in her knickers could be a frightening and very distressing experience. We recommend that you address this with her by the time she is eight.

A one-off talk is too much information at once because there are numerous topics involved in puberty. Trying to cover everything in one go would be overwhelming for your daughter and possibly counter-productive.


Start with one conversation and build on that regularly over time.

Another good reason for starting early is that you're in the best position to help your daughter develop a good body image so that she feels more at ease with herself once she reaches her teens.

Where is your daughter at?

Some girls are eager to learn about puberty, some are blissfully unaware of what's around the corner, and some have such strong resistance at the merest hint of body bits that a barrier goes up the instant you make any overtures to suggest it might be time to get a bra.

Any curiosity on your daughter's part should be welcomed. Make the most of these opportunities whenever, and wherever, they arise. Making yourself available and being open at these times will encourage her to continue asking questions and give her the confidence that she can come to you when she needs to.

Unless you make it clear that you are happy to talk about these issues when she wants to, your daughter will not necessarily have the confidence to ask, or know that she can.

If you daughter hasn't got puberty on her radar by the time she's eight, don't keep waiting. Find opportunities to raise the subject.

Next month we'll talk more about how to deal with resistance in part two.

What to expect from your daughter's school

Your daughter will receive an introduction to sex education, generally in Year 5 or 6, and this becomes more detailed at secondary school. What is taught, and the quality of what is taught, varies from school to school. Some schools are lucky enough to have a school nurse, but many rely on the teacher to give the lesson. Usually a session will be organised for the girls so that they can learn about the practical side of things (pads and tampons, etc), sometimes with parents or guardians in attendance too, but this is not always the case.

The school should contact you to advise when these lessons will be held, but it's worthwhile familiarising yourself with your school's policy well before this to ascertain what information will be provided so that you can think about the additional information your daughter needs.

Ideally, you'll have begun talking about these things long before the lessons at school. If you haven't discussed puberty with your daughter by Year 5, it would be wise to do so to ensure your daughter is fully prepared for any unexpected onset of her periods.

These lessons provide the perfect opportunity for you to have an ongoing discussion at home. Your daughter is bound to have lots of questions, and you can clear up any confusion she may have.

Bear in mind too, that the sex education lessons at school are going to provoke a lot of playground talk! Kids love to add drama, and make things sound much scarier than they really are, and your daughter's friends won't necessarily fully grasp what they've been taught. Make sure you check in with your daughter that she's not upset or worried by anything she's heard.

Finally, your school will usually keep a supply of sanitary pads for girls. Asking a teacher for help can be hard for a young girl, so it is much better that your daughter knows what to do when her periods do start. Send her to school with a little purse containing a couple of pads and a spare pair of knickers, which will help her to feel more in control if her periods do start.

We have heard stories of schools sending girls home when their periods start because the school doesn't want to deal with it. This is completely unnecessary and easily avoided if your daughter is fully prepared.

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Part two available next month.

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