Talking with girls about puberty (Part 2)

In Part 2 of this feature, we suggest ways to broach the subject with your daughter, how to deal with resistance from her, what things she needs to learn from you and addressing her concerns.

Setting the scene

In Part 1, we recommended that the subject of puberty should be an ongoing conversation from a young age. If your daughter doesn't know by the age of 8 about the various changes that she will experience in the coming years, then this is a good time to start. It's important to keep things as relaxed as possible. To help get the conversation going, here are some ideas.

• Bring out a puberty book that you've purchased, and suggest that you look at it together. We recommend some great ones on our books page.
• Perhaps she has a doctor's appointment coming up? Explain to her that the doctor might ask if her periods have started.
• "I read an interesting article in the paper yesterday and it got me thinking about how much you're growing. What do you know about periods or puberty?"
• Has the school mentioned any puberty talks coming up?
• Ask your daughter if the girls at school talk about periods, changing bodies, etc.

Finding out what your daughter knows provides you with the opportunity to correct any misconceptions she might have, and to give her reassurance if anything worries her.

Make the most of opportunities when you're out and about, for example:

• Perhaps you're looking for a new bra – you could recall when you got your first bra, and explain to your daughter that she'll need one at some point.
• When you're at the supermarket and reach the feminine hygiene section, ask her if she knows what these products are.

Whilst you won't be able to have a proper conversation at these moments, it's a starting point, and you can carry on the conversation later.

Handling resistance

Dealing with resistance is a challenge, whatever your daughter's age! It's quite natural for girls to start squirming when you begin talking about issues which they perceive as embarrassing.

Side by side is a great way to have a conversation, eg on the sofa, in the car, out walking. It's less confrontational and neither of you needs to worry then about blushing, or looking embarrassed.

If your daughter is reluctant to engage in conversation with you, there are some good puberty books available. You could leave them lying around, or give one to her and encourage her to read it when she's ready.

It's also worthwhile explaining to her that you know she doesn't want to talk about this stuff, but changes to her body will start to happen; she will get her periods at some point and will need to know what to do. You want her to know what to do when they start because if she doesn't it could cause her a lot of upset, and you want to avoid that.

What to say

• Explain that growing into a young woman is an exciting phase of her life, which involves many physical changes and because some changes happen quite quickly they can cause lots of confusion.
• Share your own experiences: when your periods started, whether you knew what to expect, how you felt, how you coped, when you got your first bra, etc. This will make it easier for your daughter to deal with her own feelings.
• Avoid using negative language that was more common in the past, eg "the curse". It's important to give your daughter a positive outlook and that all these changes are Mother Nature's way of preparing girls for motherhood when they are older.
• Always use the correct vocabulary so that it becomes natural to her.
• Remind her that every girl develops at her own pace, in her own way, and that whatever is happening to her at any stage is absolutely perfect because that's what is right for her body.
• Let her know that her moods and emotions may begin to feel pretty mixed up – she may begin to feel angry for no reason at all, or feel tearful. All these things are perfectly normal, but learning how to recognize them and deal with these moods will help her – and everyone else at home.



• Check in with her – does she understand? Does she have any questions? Is there anything you've said that worried her, or seemed silly?
• Ask your daughter how she think's she'll react when her periods do start.
• Tell her it's important that she lets you know so you can make sure she has the products she needs.
• Suggest to her different ways she can tell you because, like many girls, she may find this hard, even though you have said you want her to come to you. If coming right out and telling you is not an option for her, then:
  * she could leave her stained knickers in the laundry
  * you could agree on a code word that she can
  say to you – but do remember what it is!
  * she might prefer to send you a text or an email
  (this is actually a brilliant ice-breaker for kids)
• When she does start, please take the time to sit with her and talk because she may be feeling anxious and will need reassurance that she'll be okay.

The vital bits

These are the basics that girls need to know about:

• The growth spurt – she will grow taller, become rounder and more curvy in the hips and legs.
• Weight gain – an important and necessary part of her development which her body needs in order to prepare for her role as a mother in later years.
• Breast development – this will begin as breast buds, little lumps beneath the nipples that will gradually swell and grow into breasts. It's quite normal for one breast to be different in size to the other, and for them to grow at different rates.
• Growth of under-arm and pubic hair.
• The hair on her legs will generally begin to get darker and thicker.
• Increased sweating and body odour.
• Greasier skin, and acne.
• Stretch marks may appear on her skin because she is growing so fast.
• Facially, she will begin to look more mature and adult-like
• Moods and emotions become more erratic and irrational
• Vaginal discharge is produced in the months leading up to her first period. This discharge also occurs between periods.
• The average age at which girls start their periods is 12, but they can start anywhere from 8 to 18. It can take up to two years for her menstrual cycle to settle down.
• Periods will last anywhere from 3 to 7 days, and the average is 5.
• The onset of her periods will require her to start using sanitary products (see more below).
• Sexual feelings begin to develop.
• Personal hygiene – this becomes very important once puberty kicks in. Encourage your daughter to shower every day if she doesn't already. Ideally organic or natural-based toiletries are best, and explain that the use of highly perfumed products in the vaginal area is best avoided as they often a cause irritation.

Check out our Girls' pages for lots more information, and where your daughter can read information at her own pace.

Please also remember that if you have boys, they should also understand about the changes that your daughter (and their female friends) will go through, and vice versa.

Show her

The best preparation you can give your daughter is to show her what's involved:

• With a puberty book to hand, you can show her the diagrams that explain how her body prepares for her periods. This is an important aspect in helping her to understand how her body works, and why.
• Sanitary towels – show her the different types (pantyliners, regular pads and night pads) – and explain that she will probably need to use all of these during her periods, at various stages. The PoGo Pack has a good selection which you can show her.



• Explain that tampons are best avoided until her periods have settled into a regular, reliable pattern so that she will then be able to work out the right absorbency of tampon to use.
• Demonstrate how the wings on sanitary pads work – it will not be obvious.
• Have her put a pad into her knickers and try it out.
• Explain what the pad will look like after she's had her period – get some tomato ketchup to demonstrate!
• The hygienic disposal of used products is essential. Show her how to wrap them in toilet paper, or tie one up in a sanitary disposal bag, and then place in the appropriate bin in your home. Explain that sanitary products should never be put down the toilet as they can cause blockages.
• Show her where you keep the pads in your house – if they are normally in your bedroom, think about putting a little basket of products in the bathroom for her.
• How to make an emergency pad if she is not at home when her periods start, and suggest she ties a sweater around her waist if she has stained her knickers.
• Get her a calendar. Show her how to mark the days she has any bleeding and how, over time, she'll be able to identify her menstrual cycle. There's a Period Planner in the PoGo Pack or feel free to download our Period Planner by simply registering at PoGo.

Common concerns that girls may have

Although girls need to know about the biology of how their bodies work and the changes they'll experience, their main concern will be around how they'll cope. Fear of the unknown can cause a great deal of anxiety. With guidance from you, a good book on puberty, and the information on PoGo's website, any worries your daughter may have should be easily allayed.

The most common worries that can be addressed are:

• Will everyone know that I have my period? Reassure your daughter that no one will know that she has her period, and they won't be able to see that she's wearing a sanitary pad. After all, can she tell when other girls or women have their periods?
• Do periods hurt? Many girls have period pain or cramps in their tummy in the days leading up to their period, and sometimes in the first day or so. The best ways to deal with it are exercise, a hot water bottle, or a dose of paracetemol.
• What if I'm not at home when my periods start? Ensure your daughter always carries a little purse of sanitary products with her. The PoGo Pack™ is a ready-made kit that has a pull-out purse specifically for keeping in a bag, or at school. Also have her read our feature Coping with your periods at school for lots of ideas and reassurance.

Always be available

You may find that when you're ready to talk with your daughter about puberty, she's not at all interested, then quite unexpectedly one day, she starts asking you questions. Always be prepared to give her time when she shows interest because these moments are precious.

The more you give her your attention when she wants it, the more confident she will be that you'll be there for her whenever she needs you – whatever the reason.

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Next month's feature: Girls – it's good to talk! Why talking about puberty is important, and ideas to get you started.